Due to the personal nature of the
letters and emails we receive some of the the names have been
changed and/or last names omitted.
I just happened across your website today and what I've found is truly
As a psychologist I did have occasion to study marriage and marriage counseling
to some degree but my primary interest has always been in working with children
Clearly there is a significant absence of information such
as yours being disseminated to graduating psychologists in training. Having been
down the marital breakup path, I can also clearly attest to the accuracy of your
You have provided me with a wealth of insight that will
serve me well in my professional work but more importantly, at least for me, you
have helped me to understand some of the primary if not the primary factor in
the eventual failure of my own marriage. I witnessed, seemingly from the
sidelines, the changes my wife was going through and had no real insight into
what was really happening. I went through all of the motions and attempts at
rekindling things in my marriage, all to no avail. I eventually found out that
my wife had been having a number of extramarital affairs and ultimately was
crushed by this revelation. How could my wife ever do something like that. She
was always in my eyes, one of the "good girls". The dutiful wife and mother of
our three children. I felt we were happily married but my wife just didn't like
sex anymore and I wanted it more than ever.
I specifically remember the night she came home from a night
out with one of her girlfriends and seemingly out of the blue, told me that she
wanted some time alone and that she felt we should separate, at least for
awhile. At this point I was unaware of any infidelity and when the possibility
was broached by friends, including a close friend of hers, I recoiled and said
that there was no way. Not my wife. She was just unhappy and stressed out with
the demands of raising our three kids. She often suggested that she was tired,
suffering from TMJ or other ailments and ultimately would communicate such to me
as a means of avoiding sex.
In searching for an explanation I contemplated possible
physiological answers, maybe she was Bipolar, maybe her testosterone levels were
low LOL. She wouldn't let me near her and was always angry. Inevitably she cited
a number of different reasons for wanting to leave but none ever really seemed
to be legitimate.
In the end we did separate and divorce and she went on to
live with who I believe was the last of a string of men she had been involved
with, but she remained angry and antagonistic towards me.
I now realize that the anger that she directs at me probably
rests in the resentment and guilt that she feels towards herself. She was raised
in a very conservative environment in which leaving your husband or infidelity
would be looked upon very negatively. I needed to be viewed as a bad husband for
her to justify her actions. She had also always been quite sensitive to social
perceptions around what was appropriate behavior for a woman.
In the four years since she finally moved out she has
remained with her boyfriend but what I've noticed is that the spark that I had
she first left, has slowly fizzled and faded out. I
wasn't her first marriage and I expect her current relationship may not be her
last. She just turned 40 a few months ago but I don't see any immediate
stability for her in her current relationship. I expect that she will be looking
for that high again if in fact she is not already out there searching or
indulging herself presently. If I note a newfound spark in her presentation, I
think I may know from what it stems.
Anyways, I do thank-you for writing such an insightful and
informative book and will share it with my numerous friends who are currently
experiencing similar marital challenges, as well as some of my professional
colleagues who are more directly involved in working with couples.
Thanx again, Dr.
~ ~ ~
I just finished reading your book and I give it an A++. I
read lots of books and this one stands out as having the potential to
change my way of thinking. This book should be required reading for every
male and female of dating and marriage age, and especially college students.
You are clearly a deep thinker who has spent endless hours unraveling the
paradox of modern male-female power dynamics. I'll be interested in seeing
what your next project will be...Thank you for all
your honesty, balance and even-handedness in terms of calling men and women to
task for their charades, for the years of research, and for all the struggle and
commitment it took to put this out there. May life reward you greatly for
the work that you are doing. Sincerely,
~ ~ ~
I never write testimonials, and seldom review books. Yours however, is
exceptional. Thanks so much for your insight into women's affairs & midlife
crises. If there is a "women code" that corresponds to the "man code" your book
violates it. For that I am eternally grateful. Your book provided me with
a compass and powerful insights that guided me through the most confusing and
difficult time of my life. This kind of insight simply was not available
My wife was able to tell
me the truth last night while we had a good heart-to-heart conversation. It
appears that we have a good chance of our separation concluding with my wife
moving back home and us working on our marriage together.
It was a treacherous
journey, one that I would have most surely bungled without your book.
Best Regards, Mike
~ ~ ~
I am a very successful executive, similar to "Kevin" in your book (except
only married once). I just read your book cover to cover. Two
sittings... much of it with ... my wife. We can never thank you enough. I
believe it was a key to saving our happy marriage. Let me explain.
I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 28 years. The reason for
me reading the book relates to incidents that occurred a
long time ago. The reasons the truth came to light and the
outcome in this case (very positive) was very directly the result of reading
the truths in your book and overcoming lifelong lies imbedded in my belief
system about women's sexuality.
We will be using your book as a guide for addressing the subject with our
two daughters and others we know are affected. Again, my most sincere thanks for a wonderful book.
~ ~ ~
I wanted to write to say thank you for putting together all this hard work
and sharing it with the world. I have been reading your book all week and
have found it to be completely insightful and clarifying. I have been
married for 7 years and have a 3 year old at home. I have not engaged in an
affair but over the last few months have definitely considered looking for
it. After reading your book I no longer feel insane for my 'feelings' and
'desires'. I feel a bit guilty but I also recognize that as a normal part
of being female. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I feel clearer now than
I have for a long time. I know my whole family is going to benefit from this information. Thank you, keep up the good work.
~ ~ ~
Your book is
the book that everyone's been waiting for.
I can't believe how informative and
incredibly insightful your book is, I felt like I
was reading my own owner's manual. As a woman, I
can honestly say that
there isn't one word of your
book that I don't agree with.
Thank you for writing this book, it has helped me to understand so much
about myself. I really believe that everyone should read your book.
For all the reasons you discuss, women just DO NOT
understand themselves and this creates many problems in relationships.
Reading your book has not only
changed my marriage, it has changed my life! My deepest thanks,
~ ~ ~
Langley, I have just finished reading your
book in 2 days. It is the best book I ever read on
the issue of love, relationships, ... and I have been concerned, thinking
and writing about the issue for many years.
email I hope to get in contact with you and exchange ideas.
~ ~ ~
I wanted to contact you expressing my thanks and congratulations
for your work on your own life and having done the research
and compiled these 2 extremely insightful books.
I have been reading 50 or
so books on relationships, passionate love and affairs, probably read all there is about
affairs, and I can say, yours is one of the best, if not THE best there is on
the subject. I have met so many stories of men wondering why their
wives don't want them any more, and after reading your books, the dots are
finally connected...I am so convinced of your work, I have asked the local
library to put them in stock. Thank You and Good Work! "Jordan Gunther
~ ~ ~
Like most readers, I am awed & very lucky to have stumbled upon
your book & feel lucky to be let in on the honesty of those men & women who
you’ve interviewed. You have gone out into the real world to see it how it
really is without a PHD but with a pair of
listening ears & armed with questions... After
reading your book I got the courage to sit my husband down and tell him the
truth & all of it. Yes I had strong feelings, yes it was real & yes it could
have been a problem. When I told him the truth the
first time, it was a slightly distorted
truth - Stage
1. My husband and & I very much
enjoy each other’s company & pleasure, yet I go through times when I
feel empty. (Tired?
Hormones? Low Chemistry?) I find he is more understanding when I let
him know how I’m feeling.
I find that it takes a load off from playing the ‘perfect wife’ role.
(He actually doesn’t care if the dishes aren’t done, dinner not cooked).
I have also just gone through the ‘bored stage’...
You have helped me crack the core of my phobia. Reading ‘Living
in Limbo’ has actually put the light on many underlying issues...So
I want to thank you again for helping me understand...&
lifting that heavy load.
Many thanks to you & all the men & women who
have been courageous in share their stories!
~ ~ ~
I am so
grateful to have read these books and have recommended them to several people
I know. This is my second affair
and after reading these books I have truly come to the place where I am
breaking outta limbo. I am done with living that way it's too hard. My
husband and I have talked and put everything out there. We have been the most
honest with each other than we have ever been in 18
you so much for writing these
books, I'm feeling better and better every day.